Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
