Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
