the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
