Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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