i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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