You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
