My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
