god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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