She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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