awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
