Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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