I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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