i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
