she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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