Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
