Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
