I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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