Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
