The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
