Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
