drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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