We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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