"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize