My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize