i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize