I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
