hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
