I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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