So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
