It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize