tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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