Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
