I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
