When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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