i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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