As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
