I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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