OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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