i was born a porn star she said
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
