Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
