Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
