Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
