i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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