that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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