Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
