Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize