I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
