Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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