and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
