they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
