The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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