I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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