filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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