She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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