When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
