This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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