i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
